I Am Not a Whore!!!
Jan. 3rd, 2007
dear god, has it been a long time or what??? well, i guess i just haven't written anything because i didn't think i needed to remind myself of how shitty things have been these last couple months. it seems like it's one thing after another. i can't seem to recover from losing my job. i mean, i have a job. one that i really like and i know how to do. but it doesn't pay for shit. i basically have taken a $2.50 pay cut, and now i can't seem to pull my head above water. all this shit keeps happening on top of that too. in the last two or three months, ive had about 3 full weeks of work. all due to power outages, snow storms, holidays, downtime, getting sick... i got a pnumonia the week before christmas, had to spend the night in the hospital and missed a whole week of work. so now i have gigantic fucking hospital bill to deal with, not to mention other things like christmas, birthdays, blown tires on my car, the axle is now going on my car, i have to be ready to move into a new apartment by february 1st or ill be completely homeless, im almost two months behind on all my bills, overdrawn ine my account... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
and on top of that, my friend dustin has moved in, which i am thankful for because he helps releive some of the financial burden, but it also adds a certain amount of stress and responsability which im haveing a hard time dealing with. he always has money, since he works two full time jobs, and i never have any. so i can't help but get the feeling that im mooching off of him at times. ive had to barrow money from him on more than one occaision. i hate that! and Nathan is no help whatsoever. he hasn't worked in a month. no good reason behind it, just his own laziness and idiocy. well, the first week and a half he was really sick, ill give him that. but instead of calling in and telling them what was up, he just no-showed for over a week. and he lied to me about going to work one night. he literally sat in the car all night instead of going to work. needless to say he lost that job. and he hasn't even tried for one since. he doesn't do anything around the house, aside from the few times ive asked him to clean something. everything is a total and complete mess! the whole house is filthy, and im embarrassed to have anyone come over. i really dont know what im going to do about it. i know for a fact that i have been WAY too tolerant about it already. it's so frustrating!!!! i really do love him, but this can NOT happen anymore. everything eles about him is perfect, aside from the fact that he's being a lazy ass bum!!!!!! grrrrr...........
so that's my life in a nutshell right now. i'm one minature disaster away from driving my car off of a fucking bridge. and the shit just keeps on pouring down...
oh. and i quit smoking. i had to on account of the pnumonia and not being able to breath and all, and ive actually been doing really well. i haven't had an overwhelming urge to smoke... up until now that is.
Oct. 13th, 2006
well things are moving right along, i guess. actually, no, they've pretty much come to a screeching fucking halt. ive worked a little bit the last couple days, but the job was just excruciating and i physically and mentally couldn't do it anymore. i need to find another one soon, my reserves are gonna run dry here pretty soon. i wish i could say everything was going hunky dory, but not so much. one of the reasons my money is running out so qwickly is because ive been supporting damn near three people with it. Nathen STILL doesn't have a job, which really scares me because it's been two months, and i really hope that i haven't gotten involved with a lazy ass bum. *sigh* ive also been giving my sister money left and right, and i think she is taking me for granted, thinking that i have more than i actually do. and the fact that i dont have a job yet really bothers me too. not being able to finish out the week in the job that i had (it was only a temp job, but still) has left me feeling like the biggest peice of shit in the world. i feel like a failure... and Nathen and i both need to get our butts in gear so we can get a place with Dustin who is working two jobs and we can't even get one) ASAP. things are really boiling down.
and Nathen is playing this hard-to-get crap again, which i think he thinks is cute, but really it's just starting to get really fucking annoying. like right now, i want to scream at him "WAKE UP AND FUCK ME ALREADY!!!!" but i refuse... i want to try and see how long it takes for him to crack, but it just pisses me off that i even have to play this game right now anyways. with all the stress i have right now, that last place i need it is in the bedroom too. im not in the mood for games. *sigh* i think things are going to get interesting soon. im gonna have to start putting my foot down. soon.
Oct. 2nd, 2006
10:37 am - what's new???
okay, it's been a little while. i am now officially unemployed, needing to look for a job and whatnot. of caurse i am putting it off. not because i dont want to work... just because the actual looking for a job is what i am having trouble with. it's so annoying. and for some reason i feel like it wont take me long to find one once i get started. and i am still pretty well off from my severence, so i should be good for another few weeks if i have to be. *sigh* right now i am enjoying having some time off to just relax and be with my honey and such. although i am trying to make sure and not get into the habit of sleeping in too much. i dont want to just completely let myself go.
other than that nothing really specific has been going on. Dustin, Nathan and I are planning on getting a place together sometime around December. Nathan and I have run into a couple bumps, but we've worked through them, and are still madly in love. yes, we have officially used the "L" word, but we still use it sparingly. i explained to him that i dont like to say it too much, especially when there are so many better ways to say it rather than with words. he said he was pretty much the same, which seems to be the case a lot of the time. we are so similar it's kinda scary at times. but i can't ever remember being so happy with someone :)
ok ok, enough of that. so life is going kinda slow right now, but good. i can't think of anything that i really, really want that i dont have. i could definately get used to this :)
oh yeah! and im planning on going to the Zoo sometime this week. i havent been in forever :)
oh oh! and i have a sweet little costume for halloween (see below). im so excited, cause this is the first time i will actually have a full on costume that i love and i look totally hot in!!! can't wait to go out and show it off. i need a digital camera so i can take real pictures of me... but this will do for now.
ok, that's really it. toodles!
Sep. 20th, 2006
ugh... almost there, i can smell the freedome from this place. it's hump day, we dont know if we will be coming to work tomarrow or not. i was literally this (-) close to haveing today off, but it didn't work out. so now it's just more of the waiting game. i will get my big check on friday and i am extatic! i'll be on top of the world!!!
on another note, i had my first spooky Quija board type experiance last night. Nathen got this game called Psychic Circle, which is a souped up and safer version of the Quija, and we gave it a try last night. it was actually very creepy, and i am still even a little skeptical, but the damn thing moved on it's own!!! i swear to god i was not moving it, and i cant see how Nathen could have either. but apparently we talked to a 6 yr old girl named Sarah of all things who claimed to know Nathen from elementary school and was quite a little trickster, lol. she kept doing this yes, no, mayby-so thing, and saying she wanted to take Nathen to Jupiter. totally sounded like a 6 yr old, too. i don't know if i quite beleive it, but i can't explain the thing moving any other way. anyhow it was fun. my first visit with the supernatural spirit world... crazy.
and apparently now i need to get a new bed cause Nathen and I broke the frame on my old one, lol. it was kinda hilarious actually, and at a very in-oppertune time. great times... until then we just have the mattress and box on the floor. kinda weird, but i kinda like it too. i may just get a new mattress and not get a frame or anything. just get a tall bed and put it on the floor. totally... that sounds awesome! *sigh* friday is so far away...
Sep. 15th, 2006
If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take, strip naked, tie them to a bed post, lick them until they scream, then fuck them until both of you are senseless and unable to fuck anymore, then wait about five minutes and do it all over again, then post this exact sentence in *your* journal. ha ha, im such a dirty whore sometimes. ok anyways, what's new??? well, today prooves to be a weird one. i have a friend in town that i haven't seen in at least six or seven years. he was the first boy i ever went on a date with... my first real crush. we dated a little on and off through middle and high school, but then he moved to Cali and i never saw or heard from him again. then like a few months ago i run into him on myspace, we chat, and now here he is in town and wanting to get together for a drink. what makes this weird is that i have always considered him to be unfinished business. i've actually had dreams about someday seeing him again and hitting it off, but always figured he was gone forever. and now here he is... in the flesh. im going to be seeing him tonight, and im scared to death because for the first time in FOREVER i am not free. i have a boyfriend now. a wonderfull boyfriend that i dont want to upset or lose, but i have no idea what im going to do when i see this guy tonight. *sigh* i would feel so much better if i could go see this guy alone, one on one, but i think that would just be suspicious seeing as how Nathen and I go everywhere together. it's going to be a wacky night... i just hope it's not one of those things wher i am just overcome with emotion and i start to cry. thankfully my Dusty-poo will be there to save me and be my rock to hold on to in all the emotional sludge that im sure to get lost in tonight. it would be great if we got our severence checks early...
Sep. 12th, 2006
09:58 am - This is pretty cool :)
Sep. 8th, 2006
11:43 am - The new flat-mate...
well, the first week of living together is out of the way. there have been a few issues, but nothing too bad and nothing that wasn't fixable. i am actually being very proud of my communication skills as of late. im getting better at telling people (namely Nathen) what im feeling and why, instead of just stewing about things and letting them fester. im starting to realize that i get better results when i actually tell people what i want and need, rather than just waiting for things to happen. and i can't expect someone to just KNOW... you know? look at me, im growing :)
but aside from a few "getting used to each other" things, it's been great! it's nice to have a man at my beck and call, lol. Nathen has been an absolute angel to me for the last week, i feel like im gonna burst. he's made dinner for us, and helped me around the house, he even gave me a massage. i could get used to this... being adored :D i never knew how nice it could be. but of caurse there's always that little voice in the back of my head..."WARNING! WARNING!" ha ha. it'll take some getting used to, and i fully expect things to die down soon, after the "honeymoon" phase. but ill enjoy it none the less.
and it's payday! yay... i can actually plan on enjoying myself this weekend. god, i can't wait for that severence check! then im gonna party like it's 1799, baby!!!
Sep. 6th, 2006
well... Nathen has now officially moved in with me. it was just a matter of time really, but it wasn't really a choice we decided on. he was kicked out due to some circumstances that i do know for a fact were not his fault, and since im basically the only person he knows in town right now there was only one option. i dont quite know how i feel about it. i mean, im really happy to have him there, and im glad to not have to keep schlepping him back and forth since he was at my house every single day anyways. but it is way way too soon for his i think. and the fact that we were kinda thrown into it without much choice... kinda brings a cloud over the feel of it. i really hope that it doesn't turn bad. i dont think it will, but you never know.
so now we are living together. less than two months into the relationship, even though it feels like so much longer. how is this happening? we are just moving at a ludicris speed it seems, doesn't it? the thing is that it all feels so natural too. i am comfortable with it, and that is incredibly strange. i know if it were anyone else i'd be screaming "CAUTION!" at them right now. and there are so many other aspects of the relationship that i can see how they would seem fishy to outsiders. but really, it's not. sometimes i wonder though if im being taken for a ride. that could easily be the case. makes me so nervous... sigh. but im just kinda going with it until i have a reason to beleive otherwise.
so ill enjoy the moment. and hope for good things :) my sweetie will be waiting for me when i get home. joy!
Aug. 30th, 2006
*sigh* this week has been a little blurry. the last couple days i have felt pretty crappy. like not being able to stay awake if my life depended on it, any kind of food making me want to vomit... that sort of thing. im feeling much better now, but jesus. i have a four day weekend coming up, which i can't wait for, cause that means i dont have to take Nathen home for four days *grin*. we just get to chill the fuck out. joy!
the only thing that sux is that i wont have any money. circumstances have led me to be COMPLETELY broke until next friday. i am really really hating this, being broke all the time. i need to figure something out... cause this shit can NOT go on.
other than that, im feeling more good than not, so i dont have much to complain about.
Aug. 28th, 2006
ye gads, what a weekend! friday was pretty chill. Dustin and i made dinner... fettucini alfredo with shrimp, the alfredo made from scratch. and despite a few difficulties on my end with the alfredo, which Nathen was so kind as to help me with :) it turned out really good. then a-caurse we didn't want to sit around the house all night so we ended up at Rumours where we ran into some old friends and it was a good time overall.
saturday was crazy. i had yet another baby birthday to go to, so i got through that. we ended up at the Silver Reef because Nathen and i wanted to get cheap smokes. Nathen decided just to play around with $10. after a bit of video poker, he decides just to get it over with because we needed to go. so he goes over to the high stakes slots... $5 a game. he spins the first one... nothing. then he spins his last $5, and it turns into $200!!! i couldn't beleive it. it was so great! and he was even smart about it and was like "We can go now." ha ha. lucky ass bastard. then we just kinda loafed around until Tanya's birthday party, which was fuckin awesome as usual :) there were jello shots galore, and she even spiked a watermelon which was really good. *sigh* great times. i love Tanya :)
sunday was more layed back. we slept in and just kinda lazed around until like 3 or 4 in the afternoon. then of caurse Nathen wanted to go back to the Casino, ha ha. so we went and he gave me a little money and we both gambled for awhile. we lost it, but he still had some pretty lucky ass breaks in there lemme tell you. the boy's got the luck of the Irish in him, even though we lost it all, it took a good two or three hours. and now he calls me his good luck charm. awwwwwwww, :).
then we got hungry, and figured we'd just eat at the casino. so we go into the steak house right? as soon as we walked in i almost turned around. it was this fancy ass resteraunt that you need reservations to go to, the waiters are wearing tuxedo's, the works. and here we are in t-shirts and messy hair and shit, lol. but they had an opening so they seated us anyway. gave us this huge corner booth all to ourselves just cause that's all they had at the moment. so we had this fancy ass dinner looking like we just left the trailer park or some shit. salmon mousse and clams casino for an appetizer, with sorbet soaked in some kind of alcohol to cleanse the pallet. then the most delicious stuffed chicken and white cheddar potatoes i have EVER had in my life!!! it was quite an experiance. and it was so much fun too, trying to remember back to our ediquette classes, to figure out which plate to use and what's the proper way to eat a clam, haha (got a laugh outta that one). and we had a blast making fun of all the hoity toity people in the place, most of which had these little ass tables in the middle of the room, and here we are with this giant booth. oh god... it was hilarious. and actually it ended up being not much more expensive then a trip to the Keg or something, with much MUCH better food. i definately plan on going there again. prolly a little more appropriately dressed, ha ha. i am so spoiled :D
so those were the highlights of my weekend. it breaks my heart that it's over so soon, but im planning on taking four days for the next one. what's gonna happen then? with me and my honey, you never know... *beaming*
Aug. 9th, 2006
what is it about rainy summer days? i swear i feel like ive taken a percoset with a full glass of Jager and Red Bull today :) (for those who dont know me well, that means im extremely happy, lol) im getting over a cold, so ive got this kinda groggy sleepy feeling. it's totally silent and quite comfy here in the office today as well. Nathen was sick last night, so i was taking care of him, and now i feel my nurturing side shining through... i wonder what makes that happen? just yesterday i was wanting everyone to Thelma and Louise it into the fucking Grand Canyon. but today i just want to hug and rock-a-bye everyone and maybe bake some cookies and a pie, lol. it's weird how the hormones in a woman fluctuate like that. it scares me when i get like this though, because even i start thinking "baby" thoughts. but luckily i know better than to let that get the best of me. still... it's kinda nice to think about it. what will my kids look like, i wonder? and won't they be the most beautiful, perfect little angels because i will learn from other people's mistakes and teach them the really important things. of caurse my kids will be the best in the world, right? and i will be the best Mom, too. *sigh* sometimes i can't wait till im ready to have a family. but... i digress. im quite content in just being young and livin MY life at the moment. ohhh, maybe ill play The Sims today. that will help get these "baby" thoughts out of my system. *sigh* what a long, lazy day...
Aug. 8th, 2006
people never cease to amaze me. the things we choose to settle for, and those for which we choose to strive. priorities. everyone has their own of caurse, but do you ever just look at someone in disbelief because something that is so incredibly important to them, to you is just silly? or crazy even??? i find this more and more often. like people who call in sick for almost half of their first month of work, and then criticize you for not cleaning the kitchen. this puzzles me. some poeple's choice of love life (and im including myself in this as well) just blows my mind. it's amazing how a person can be content in acting like doormat just for the slightest attention from someone they've put on a pedistal for god know's why. people who settle for less than perfect, or even less than terrible, relationships just for the sake of being in one. people who go out of their way to criticize other people for things that have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with them. people who work two jobs to support a wife and two kids that they STILL can't afford and then say, "Hey, let's have another!!" fucking geniuses, yeah? how are these things ok? how do people really justify actions like this? i dont get it. even when i do these excessively idiotic things, i end up wanting to strangle myself out of pure frustration. but, nothing changes does it?
i used to be a great listener. why not anymore? because if i hear of one more person doing something so incredibly STUPID, i will personally put them out of their misery. and forget trying to give advice or guidence. nobody wants it, and i dont have the energy anymore. it's like watching someone walk right into a pole, over and over and over again. eventually you just can't even look anymore. you stop feeling sorry for them and say, "open your god damned eyes you MORON!!!" and then of caurse they come crying to you because they're head hurts, right? ARG! i may be building up a bit of steam here, but to me these people do not deserve the brains god gave them. it's pathetic, really. it sad, and pitiful, and i wash my hands of it. and yet at the same time it just drives me IN-SANE! and i just can NOT let it go. it's actually painful to me to know someone who is doing something so incredibly moronic, and i can't help but at least try to give them a slap in the face. i guess this is my little idiotic, friutless priority that drives people crazy. they're always complaining about me being so distant. "you never call, we haven't seen each other in forever!" hmmm... i wonder why that is? maybe because the very sight of you makes me want to douse myself in gasoline, light myself on fire and jump out the god damned window!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aug. 2nd, 2006
ugh, three weeks. it seems like a lot longer. I think Nathan and i are leaving the honeymooning phase and starting to get into the real relationship stuff. we actually spent a day together WITHOUT having sex... ha ha. this is a step forward, no? actually, it's been three days now, which im not sure how i feel about. i mean... it's only been three weeks!? i think we could linger in the honeymooning phase for just a bit longer, right? actually, im pretty sure im overreacting, as i know there is reason behind the rhyme, im just impatient and a glutton by nature. or maybe i just have low self esteem and sex is how i feel good about myself, and now without it i am forced to rely on my... *dun dun dun*... personality!?!?!? how in the hell am i gonna do that? i can already feel the doubts and self-loathing coming into play. am i wrong, or should you at least be able to make it to the one month mark before all the feelings of inadequacy and cold feet start up? i dont know, i have no idea how to be in a relationship. i haven't been in one in a very, very long time. and still that was different. i dont even know this guy really. i mean, ive only known him for three weeks... and we haven't really talked about too much personla stuff, which is another thing that bothers me. he doesn't ask me questions. i ask him things and honestly want to know him... he doesn't even ask me in rebuttal. i dont think he knows anything about me. ugh... and yet i remind myself, it's only been three weeks!!!!! of caurse he doesnt know me.... but should he? god, im driving myself crazy here. how did i get to be one of these girls? god, fuck buddies are so much easier in so many ways.
then again... all complaining aside, it really is wonderful to have someone steady. i mean, it had been so long i had forgotten all the little things ya know? laying in bed, holding each other and making faces and laughing at nothing at all. tickle fights :) wrestling around on the floor trying to get that one sweet spot that you know is guarenteed, ha ha. trying to synchronize your steps when walking bacause your holding onto each other and dont want to let go. just even having him lay down with his head in my lap and running fingers through his hair... god i missed that too.
but it just seems like everything is moving too fast... we have spent every day together for the last two weeks. every single day! is this good or bad? i know we prolly need time apart... but i dont wanna :( god... so much to think about and deal with right now. ha ha, welcome to the wonderful world of relationships!
Jul. 25th, 2006
well, ive been a bit cutt off from the world lately. and for the best of reasons, too :) these last two weeks have been so wonderful, and gone by so fast, and yet i almost can't remember anything before them. Nathan is an amazing guy, and i am happier now than i have been in a very very long time. i cant really describe it, all i can say is that im happy, terrified, nervous and at the same time just so comfortable with it all. how did all this happen to me? after waiting and searching for so long, he just kinda plopped right down in my lap. whatever the reason, im trying not to question. all i know is that he's mine now, and im not letting him go. what i can't beleive is that it's ONLY been two weeks... i feel like ive known him forever. *sigh* everything's going so fast, it's making me dizzy. god... so this is what this feels like. i love it :D
Jul. 20th, 2006
i just had the most AMAZING two days of my life :D i can't beleive i have to go to work tomarrow... major suckage. but, i know i will be positively beaming when i walk in in the morning. it's gonna be a long day. *sigh* sweet :P
Jul. 13th, 2006
07:32 am - I am so confoosed.........
ok, now i am having issues. i met a guy. one that i may actually be beginning to like. one who is single and is into me as well. we went to see some Pirates last night, and it was just a lot of fun and very comfortable. we even, on occaision, said the same thing at the same time and finished each others sentances. it was strange, but nice.
the problem? am i willing to give up my wild lifestyle that ive been living for this guy. he doesn't strike me as the type to want an open relationship. but then again... i just met him, and there is much i still dont know. but honestly, i do see something happening with this one. maybe... possibly. i dont know. i never in a million years thought i would be having this problem. but it's here isn't it. too many baus... what to do?
I invited him out this weekend to the block party. There everyone will meet him, which is almost unheard of in my love life. i usually keep my guys very much to myself. Don't know why this time is different. I guess i kind of want to see how he handles my friends, and me :). We'll see. for the moment though... im not going to take it too seriously. we'll just see what happens. maybe nothing at all... maybe i am just blowing things out of proportion like i do sometimes. maybe...
Jul. 9th, 2006
02:02 pm - Chapter 2
*sigh* i have a lot to learn. but im looking forward to the lessons ;)
I feel something changing in me. i am taking a great deal more pride in myself, and i see myself in a whole new light. i am realizing that there may be more to me than what ive allowed to surface in the past, and there's actually something to work for. im a little nervous, but happier than i have been in awhile. i still have those bad days, but they are fewer and further between. maybe it's because i have some brief idea of what i REALLY want, and who i want to be. it got away from me for awhile, but i think i understand better because of it. i just hope i am strong enough for the future. for the first time,i actually want to be.
Jul. 6th, 2006
11:29 am - Was there any doubt......?
|Your 2006 Summer Anthem Is|
Stars Are Blind by Paris Hilton
"I can make you nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do
Baby I'm perfect for you"
Jul. 5th, 2006
who knew that a simple "Good girl" could make you swoon. Jesus, here I go.
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